"In this silence I feel refreshed with peace..."

The kiddos are in bed, Jeremy Camp playing on my stereo and I'm sitting here reflecting on this morning's service. Our pastor was talking about how there are so many things that make us feel like we're not good enough and make us feel like God might be ashamed of us. This week I've gone through a deep dark valley with our our credit card situation. That's the thing, it's our situation, but I've taken ownership of it and I'm trying to balance the weight of heaviness by myself. It's my credit card, and my habits and lack of faith that God will provide like He says He will that have made me feel this way. I'm the one who should silently suffer and worry about where we're going to get the money to pay for it. So I'm ashamed and it feels wrong to go to God and ask Him to dig me out of this hole (the one I keep falling into). Luckily for me it's not as huge a hole as we've had, but from where I'm standing, it looks unfathomably large.

But amidst all my silent suffering and shying away from God, my heart slowly drew me closer to Him and I humbled myself to ask for peace and help. The verse that came to me this morning after the service was Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." and one of the verses from this morning's message, which also soothed my weary soul, Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light".

Our pastor said that it seems most of us think that if our burden is heavy, God's will be so much heavier, because He is GOD, but in fact He wants only the best for us!! I felt like Him speaking to me and reminding me that if I put my trust in Him and lay my burden at His feet He would provide for us and His yoke would truly be lighter the the massive one I'm trying to carry on my own. And suddenly I looked at the past few days a little differently...the fact that my neighbor asked me to babysit her kids one day this week and paid me what she pays her regular babysitter was God providing for me in my desperate moment. The fact that my groceries were less than what they usually cost was God providing. Even though I know the numbers and only x amount of dollars come in every week, God still moves beyond our box and shows us His mercy.