I was painting yesterday and I really started digging deep inside myself. Painting always makes me very introspective, I think I actually start talking to myself. Hopefully there wasn't anyone listening at the top of the stairs. Anyway, I've noticed that with all this physical cleansing of my body, my heart is getting a real makeover as well. It's not easy and definitely not painless. One of the things that has really been on my mind is broken or distant relationships.
I had a conversation with a very special person on the weekend and they told me that I need to sit down with my brothers and talk. Really talk. Invite them into my life and not just nonchalantly, either. Look them in the eyes and be vulnerable. Time has created a huge gap in how we relate to each other and I realized this weekend that I'm grieving for what was and what could be. I have no sister for a friend and I have no relationship with my 2 brothers. Not that I wouldn't love it. It's partly my fault for not taking it more seriously and really reaching out. We live such different lives, but what siblings don't? Maybe they think I don't care and have no use for them. I realized that my heart is broken over this lack and I've been covering it up for years, pretending I don't care and that one day when we're "all grown up" it will be different and they'll be my best friends. I get angry with them that they're doing things that they shouldn't, when really I'm just angry that I can't get close enough to them to speak into their lives and be one of the people they pour their hearts out to. I know you can pose for pictures and pretend everything is all great, but this picture reminds me that I did once upon a time feel somewhat close to my two brothers (the look on Kerry's face is nothing to go by, he never smiles in pictures). 
So will I do this? Will I really make myself that vulnerable? I don't know. Honestly, I look at the whole situation and I hear myself saying "will they take me seriously or just mock me?". I know they are worth it to me, but can I be as open with them as I am with everyone else? I sure hope so. And even if there isn't a miraculous change, they'll at least know I cared enough to try.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
The Healing of Harms
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6 comments:
Go for it! Family is very important and they will probably appreciate your honesty and caring, even if they don't say it.
That's awesome, Erin! And extremely brave. Sometimes it's harder to work through things with family, just because you care so much and there's more at stake. But it's because there's so much at stake that it's so very important.
It doesn't matter how broken a relationship is, there is nothing more powerful or undeniable than authenticity and openness. It's hard to reject someone's true heart - and yours is so beautiful.
Thank you, you're making me cry (like I haven't done enough of that lately!). I'm trying to just continue giving it all to God and doing things His way in His time.
I came across your blog through a bunch of random links and I just wanted to say we share the same struggle. My relationship with my siblings is the same and I've said the very same words..."when we're grown ups...". Only now I am a grown up and so are they, and we don't know each other at all. It makes me very sad.
Erin sweetheart my heart aches for you and I am praying that you are able to form a great loving relationship with your brothers. Me and my brother were once upon a time the best of friends and now that he lives far away that is hard, I still have to make the first move in terms of contact with him, but it is worth it, the times we do communicate are good and I still cherish his friendship. So what I am getting at is GO for it BE vulnerable and pour out your heart to them in my opinion they can only love you for it!! You are and awesome chick with such a big heart and I am blessed to call you my friend!
Thanks
Wow, you write amazingly. I guess you know how I feel, and I am going to continue to pray for you. I know you can do this. You're a tough schnetya.
You have the ability to bring my to tears with your raw vulnerability and heart felt words.
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