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Thursday, May 31, 2007

When I'm Walking

I went for my usual walk this evening and towards the end I turned the corner and this is what I saw. Coming up over the field and lake was the most beautiful moon. It was big and orange and so beautiful! I wish I'd had my camera to take a picture of it when it was just rising. This picture is about 20 minutes later. It was still gorgeous. It suited my mood.
Sometimes when I go for my walks, I get in this mood. I'm not sure exactly what it is. It's something I never feel when I'm at home or when I'm with other people. It's almost melancholic. In a bittersweet way. I heard this line in a song once about how sometimes we just want to ache. That's how I feel. And I find I crave it. It balances out my usually happy, energetic self. Often a song will trigger it. There are some songs that I just love especially because they have that "feel" to them. You know when you long for something so much that it makes you want to cry? When you can feel something, but it's just out of reach? It's the time I feel the most vulnerable. The time when I just want to bask in the evening air that feels thick with the promise of something. Maybe it's when I feel closest to God. Maybe it's when I'm just me. Not a mom. Not a wife. Just Erin. Stripped bare and letting myself feel. Really feel. I don't hide behind a smile or a joke. I don't make excuses or talk incessantly. I don't have to fill a silence. It's the silence I crave. And a melody to fill my head. And I walk...

**According to Wikipedia it was considered a "blue moon" tonight. Maybe that's why it felt special. Hmmm...


ValleyGirl said...

I know exactly what you're saying. Walking is my favourite kind of 'alone time.' It's like you're truly free of all the pressures and expectations in your life and JUST YOU are left, like you said. It's my favourite time to daydream, reflect, confess, pray, plan my day -- and divide up my imaginary lottery winnings!!

Ruth said...

ahhhh yes.
i can relate.
we are the melancholic mamas! :)

Louise said...

I hear ya Erin...those times alone are times to enjoy the peace and music in your headphones and just be!!!

See you tonight??

Anonymous said...

I love when I get a moment all to myself. Even if it just right before I go to bed, when I can read for a while and relax!

Lindsay said...

I totally relate. I absolutely require small little snatches of Lindsay time. Glad you found a way to get yours! (Erin time, that is - not Lindsay time. Although we should schedule some of that soon!)

Andrea said...

Those pictures of you are so beautiful -- they are honest and real and intimate. I got goosebumps when I was looking at them.

And that "sometimes we just want to ache" thing...I feel you on that one! Sometimes I want to read a sad book or watch a sad movie just so that I can cry.

it's me, Val said...

I really love those pictures, too :) And I totally know what you mean because I've been walking alone lately at night, about 9:00, and I start to feel like this. Alone is great and walking even better. The combination makes me just so . . . at peace :)

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